Dear Diary
by Liisiko
Summary: In the interest of keeping accurate records of the Akatsuki's rise to power, and for his own sick amusement mostly for his amusement .The "leader" of Akatsuki has ordered everyone to keep a journal of their lives. I really hate him sometimes.
1. Madara

Hear I am again. I hope that you all like it, this was planned out as a new chapter to one of my other stories but it did not come out at all like I planned it to. It wasn't serious enough. I don't know if anyone else will find this funny, but I had a good time writing it. Sorry if the spacing is messed up I am still new at putting this stuff online.

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Dear Diary,

In the interest of keeping accurate historical records of the Akatsuki's rise to power, and for his own sick amusement (but mostly for his amusement I think) the "leader" of Akatsuki has ordered everyone to keep a journal of their lives.

I really hate him sometimes.

I know that could argue about this and most likely get my way, but it's so much easier to get what I want with big decisions if I let him have his way with idiocy like this sometimes.

Never work with a man who wants to be worshiped as a god. I should have known that already, but no. I ignored my own sense of judgment and went ahead with using him anyway.

That may not have been smart, but you stick with what you have.

I am pretty sure that this whole thing is Konan's fault. Just like the stupid nail polish. Pain listens to her stupid suggestions so much that it makes me wonder which one of us is the real secret leader of Akatsuki, me or the origami girl.

Hopefully me.

No use worrying about it right now. Not when it can be turned to my advantage. I can just borrow the other members diary's with out them noticing, and then easily slip it back into place when I am done reading it.

We have a meeting tomorrow, I can't wait to see how well this goes over with the other members.

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Dear Diary,

It went about as poorly as I had expected it to.

Kakuzu immediately started rambling about the price of paper, and time wasted writing that could be spent working.

Pain told him to shut up and asked him where the hell his partner was. Not that he needed to, everyone knows that he probably killed the unlucky missing-nin for something stupid like breathing to loudly. And that he probably did it in the most gruesome way possible. Just like last time. This one didn't even last a whole month. We really need to look for someone a little more sturdy for that job next time.

Sasori didn't complain about it. The creepy little puppet just took a note book from the table and left after giving his report on his last few missions.

Zetsu also didn't complain. I knew that he would stay silent, take his note book and ignore the whole thing. Which is what I would do if I had any brains.

Orochimaru the snake pervert ignored the whole thing because he was much to busy flirting with Itachi to care about the meeting. Or at least that's what it looked like to me. That snake really needs to learn to keep his hands to him self, or eventually Itachi is going to get angry enough to do something violent about it. I should go and do the smart thing and arrange for Pain to have a little talk with Orochimaru about personal space, and the age of consent. Before he does something stupid. Not that I would mind because, really, it would be way too much fun to see Itachi snap and kill someone.

Luckily for the snake-perv, Kisame stepped in before it reached the point where we would have had to clean up any blood. I didn't pay any attention to what happened next because I was sitting in the corner pretending to be an idiot by drawing hearts and smiley faces on my diary.

I love pretending to be the village idiot when I am really the mayor, so to speak. I wish I had time to do something weird and confusing, but I just sat in the corner like the good boy they all think I am.

Maybe next time.

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Dear Diary,

Remember what I said about Orochimaru, you know the stuff about what a creepy snake pervert he is. And how Itachi was going to get tired of his behavior soon. And how Pain needed to have a talk with him soon.

Well yeah...

Snake-perv tried to steal his body this afternoon. Turns out he really was trying to get into Itachi's pants, just not in the way that I expected him to.

Itachi was not at all amused by this. Not one little bit.

I mayexplain this properly when I stop feeling so creeped out and shocked by all of this...

It might take a while.

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I would love it if you could review this. Remember it's the only payment any of us get.

I am also taking suggestions for what I should write next. If there is something you would like to see let me know I could be able to fit it in.


	2. More Madara

Well here we are again, a new chapter. It's a little short, but I hope to do a longer chapter next time. Thank you to the people that took the time to review my last chapter, and thank you and happy birthday to Alice Cambio for editing it for me. I never would have taken this past one chapter with out your support.

I have had a few requests for chapters with Hidan and Deidara, and I will do those as soon as they join Akatsuki. If I can come up with enough ideas I will do diary entries for everyone in Akatsuki. I will also do my best to keep things funny but I can't really guarantee that, it's to easy for me to get serious when I'm writing.

Enough about me, time for the stuff that you're really here for.

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Dear Diary,

We managed to sort out the whole mess with Orochimaru and Itachi. Turns out he managed to talk Itachi into going out behind the base with him _alone._

What the hell are they teaching kids at the academy these days? 'Yes, just because you are a ninja it's perfectly okay to go somewhere alone with some creepy Snake-perv out to steal your body and/or worse to a place where none could hear your screams for help if he actually tried to do any of that.' Is that what they're teaching them now? Standards must have really fallen in the time since I left the village.

I really thought that the kid was smarter than that, not that he didn't handle the situation fairly well. After all he's the one that still has both of his hands.

No one knew about any of this until Itachi came back and reported what happened, and calmly threatened to use the Amaterasu on his scaly ass if it ever happened again. Orochimaru tried to deny the whole thing and said that Itachi attacked him for no reason, but no one believes that. Everyone has heard enough stories about him and his liking for pretty boys to know that this should not really be a surprise. But no, no one thought that it might be a good idea to keep the two of them separated or something.

Am I the only one here that is _not_ stupid?

No, don't answer that.

In the end we got his arm to stop bleeding, and decided that we will deal with Snake-perv's punishment in the morning. Personally I think Itachi already took care of it well enough, and Pein did warn him not to go body snatching from his coworkers.

We also need to punish Kakuzu for killing his latest partner. Not that I think it is going to help. None of the punishments we have tried so far have done any thing about the problem. He is just going to keep killing them. Pain's newest idea, lowering his pay is only going to make him even more irritable than usual.

The other members have started taking bets on how long the next partner will last.

On an unrelated note, everyone finally noticed that I had been sitting in the corner the whole time, and they wanted to know why someone who wasn't even a member was there. Fortunately everyone bought the story about me being Zetsu's subordinate Tobi. Well everyone except Itachi, Pein and Konan, because obviously they already know about me. The fact that they believed it no questions asked makes me worry even more than before about their intelligence.

It must be the mask and scarf combo that makes me look so deceptively innocent. I should buy a few extras just in case.

But as I was saying, how could they be so stupid? Back in my day we...

_Oh God NO! _I nearly started to tell a story starting with the phrase "Back in my day", I'm turning into an _old man_! Okay, I know already that I am an old man, but I never thought that I would be one of those old men that told the same annoying stories a thousand times and smelled like old people. Eternal life with out eternal youth really sucks sometimes.

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Dear Diary,

I just asked Konan if I smelled like old people.

The bitch said to me "No, you smell like dead people.", and then she just walked away. When I don't need Akatsuki any more she will be the first to go. Maybe I'll put her through a giant paper shredder. That would be fun, not necessary but fun.

Snake-perv saved me the trouble of thinking up an appropriate punishment for his actions yesterday by running away. Now we can just kill him the next time one of us sees him. Unfortunately that creates a whole new problem for us to deal with. We need to replace two of our members now, and that is never easy to do. I have Pein looking into it for me as pay back for the diary. He should have a few ready by the end of the day.

(Later)

He just came back a with a few names for me to approve, and approve I did. Itachi, Kisame and Sasori set out immediately to present Deidara with our offer of employment, while Zetsu, Konan and Kakuzu went off to hire Kakuzu's new partner (I don't even bother to remember their names any more). I expect them all back sometime in the next week.

This should be fun.

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I had a little trouble uploading this chapter, but I think I got it worked out. If you see a problem please tell me.

As always reviews and suggestions for the story would be appreciated.


	3. Deidara

This time it's Deidara's, and I promise that Hidan's is up next. The rating may have to go up for that one. I'm sorry about any problems with the last chapter. I know that this took a long time to get done and post, but school work and a lack of ideas got in the way.

As you all know I own nothing.

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Dear Diary(scratched out)

No that's not right.

Dear journal,(scratched out even harder)

Also not right.

Journal,

That's better.

I'm Deidara, the best explosives based artist in the world. Some people would say I'm crazy for thinking that explosives and art belong together. Some would say that art shouldn't incinerate the people looking at it, leaving behind only charred skeletons and a few meaty chunks. Well they're not laughing now, are they?

The beauty of art is in that single moment of explosion. It's not my problem if a few people were standing a little to close to the blast: they only got to appreciate it even more.

My day started off pretty well, at first. I was taking some time out of my busy schedule for a little art appreciation at a local shrine. Just as I was calculating how much clay and chakra I would need to bring the whole place down, a shark, a puppet and a pretty boy walked in. Sounds like the start to some lame joke right? But no, they were all there just to bother me. Or, as they called it, offer me a job. Well, they didn't offer so much as they introduced them selves and told me that I had a new job now. Of course I had a huge problem with this and told them so.

Then things got weird. Itachi the pretty boy with these really creepy red eyes challenged me to a fight. If I won I could reduce him to a smoking crater in the ground and leave. If he won I was the Akatsuki's newest employee. Long story short, Itachi is a cheater and I'm an Akatsuki member now.

I use to blow up anything that I wanted. Now I work with a bunch of idiots in coats with red clouds and bells on their hats.

What a ridiculous dress code! But the nail polish is a nice touch even if it doesn't really match. I hope that one of them knows a good manicurist because it's really hard to keep your nails looking nice when you work with explosives all the time. And at least I get to wear whatever shirt I want under the coat.

And as if the world doesn't hate me enough already, the puppet is my partner.

Yeah this will be _so_ much fun.

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Journal,

**One of those artless morons just called me a GIRL!!! **

What the hell is wrong with these people?

How could anyone with a functioning pair of eyes make such a stupid mistake? I am very obviously a _**Man**__. _Long hair and a beautiful face do not automatically make me a girl. I am not even the girly-est looking person in the organization, and I don't see what the big deal is. The girly-est looking member of Akatsuki is either Itachi or that guy with a flower in his hair. I mean seriously, whats up with that?

If I didn't already have a reason to hate Itachi I sure as hell do now.

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Journal,

I've gotten to know everyone a little better now, and I still don't like them.

Sasori is okay, but he has some weird ideas about what art really is. He also seems to really like puppets for some reason. I got a look at his true form under that puppet shell he walks around in. Turns out that underneath his puppet exterior is even more puppet. Actually he doesn't look all that bad, he's even kind of cute in a creepy-doll-that-never-blinks sort of way. He reminds me of the porcelain dolls my grandma collected. The ones that I "accidentally" blew up, (along with Grandma) when I was seven.

Honestly, I was shocked that everyone believed me when I told them that I hadn't done that on purpose.

Next, we have Pain. A orange haired man with creepy eyes that most likely spends about five hours a day cleaning all his piercings. He's the leader and we have to do what he says. Even if what he says is something stupid like, "Wear a bell on your hat." or, "Or join me in my quest for world domination!"

Odds are He's bat-shit insane, but no one really wants to point that out, so I guess that we're just have to go along with what ever it is that he wants.

The girly looking blue haired guy is Konan. And as it turns out, Konan actually is a girl (now I'm really confused). I asked what she does around here and the only answer I got was "paper work", so I assumed that meant she's Pains secretary or something. I was wrong and got chased by killer origami when I said so. At least I didn't tell her that I thought she was a man at first, that really could have caused me some problems.

Note to self; refer to everyone with gender neutral terms until you are _totally sure_ what gender they really are.

Zetsu is a plant man (at least I think he is a man, do plants even have a gender?), or maybe two plant men stuck together. I'm not sure, and frankly I don't want to know. As if it is not weird enough he _eats people_, yes _people_. I couldn't make this crap up if I tried! Fortunately, that's all I or any one else really knows about him, and he prefers to keep to him self (or is it selves?).

Things only get weirder from here. Kisame is a shark-man, a very tall, very blue and most surprisingly of all, very polite shark-man. He apologized for the inconvenience after he and all the other weirdos forced me into this organization, and was nice enough to show me where everything was. He seems like a decent enough guy even if he hangs around Itachi all the time.

Speaking of Itachi, he has officially joined the list of people I want to kill someday.

Is it because of that artless trash he calls an eye technique?

Is it the fact that he roped me into this mess?

His tendency to stare at you and make you wonder if he can hear your thoughts?

The sneaking suspicion that if he walked past a mirror he wouldn't cast a reflection?

All of the above.

We also have Kakuzu, the guy that is in charge of making sure we don't spend to much and insuring that we all get our paychecks on time. The Akatsuki's accountant.

At least, that is what he is supposed be doing. Really he just hunts bounties for the money and occasionally kills his partner when he gets angry about something. Someone should get him a stress ball or invest in some anger management classes or something.

Apparently he was also out looking for a new partner at the same time Sasori was. He found one, but they only made it half way back to the base before he killed them. No one thinks that this is in any way unusual. He has to go looking for a new one again in a few days. Suddenly I don't feel so bad about the puppet man.

Last and least of all, there is Tobi. He is not really a member, all he dose is hang around to annoy everyone and occasionally do odd jobs. He is a cheerful little idiot in an orange mask, and when I asked him what he does, he told me "Be a good boy!".

If he doesn't shut up he gets to join Itachi on the list.

At least I don't ever have to work with him. That would really suck.

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Please review.

I am open to any suggestions and ideas for this and I would love to hear what you think.


	4. Hidan takes a turn

It took forever, but it's time for another one, and now it's Hidan's turn.

I have been thinking and I know that I don't really have enough ideas for a separatechapter for everyone. So most of the following chapters will be Madara's with occasional looks into the others diary's. At least that's the plan right now.

On another note, no offense is intended towards the long list of people and things Hidan insults during this or any other chapter. Including but definitely not limited to: Twelve year old girls, people who write in journals, people that read what other people write in journals, members of religions which aren't the Church of Jashin, fans of Kakuzu/Hidan, and anyone else who can find something to get upset about.

This takes place a few months after he joined. He's been trying to get out of doing it for that long but now has no choice.

Enough about that, on to the stuff you came here for. I made you wait long enough already.

I own nothing. If you didn't know that already then what the hell are you doing near a computer unsupervised?

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Dear Diary,

Oh hell no.

"Dear Diary" is the kind of thing that twelve year old girls write in journals with fluffy pink sparkly shit all over them.

On the diary not on the girls.

At least I think its on the diary. I don't really know. Go ask a girl if your so fucking curious.

Deidara might know. Or not, the jury is still out on that girly little bitch. We started a betting pool on his/her/it's gender, but that's another story.

Leader told me I had to join in on this dumb-ass journal crap he has going or he would chop me into tiny pieces and shove me down a garbage disposal if I didn't.

So here I am, I'm not exactly bothered by dismemberment but I don't really feel like finding out what the hell is inside a garbage disposal anyway. That's the kind of shit I try to avoid.

I'm writing on this piece of shit note book because that goat fucking bastard Kakuzu is to fucking cheap to buy some decent stationary. It wouldn't kill the son of a bitch to buy something of a _little_ higher quality, but _no_. I'm stuck writing on a sheet of paper that I wouldn't even wipe my ass with if it was the last piece of toilet paper in the entire world.

Gotta go, it's ritual time. More later.

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Dear whatever the hell you are (but I'm never ever calling you Diary),

Konan says I should write about myself, what I like, dislike and shit like that. So here we go.

I'm Hidan and I'm a proud member of the Church of Jashin.

I like worshiping my god and sacrificing people to his glory. I have also recently discovered that I like to see how much I can piss off my partner before he tries to kill me.

I hate people that piss me off. They are usually the ones I end up using for a sacrifice. So it all evens out in the end I guess.

I'm usually eager to explain my religion to anyone that I can get to sit still for five minutes and listen to me, but since I don't give a flying fuck about this lame-ass journal, I won't.

Deal with it, you prick.

I also hate wearing a shirt. I usually ruin them during my ritual, or whenever I get into a fight, or whenever I make Kakuzu mad (my new hobby), or any time at all really. I guess I just have bad luck with shirts.

At least it's not my pants. I would hate to have something happen to them and have to come back to headquarters pant-less and wearing just my cloak, like some kind of sick flasher. Even if it would be kinda funny.

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Dear Whatever,

The shirt thing came to a head early yesterday morning (Yes, I could make a dirty joke out of that but I don't care enough to try. Do it your self, you lazy bastards).

I finally ruined the last shirt that I owned, this led to Kakuzu trying to rip me a new asshole, metaphorically speaking of course.

I don't think he swings that way and if he does I don't want to know anything about it. It's waayyy to fucking creepy to imagine him getting it on with _anything_. I mean really, he has these tentacle/thread things everywhere, and that has to be awkward. But this is seriously off topic, and not something I want to think to much about.

Anyway, I let him yell for a little while, until I get tired of it. Then I tell him to do fuck himself. I lost an arm for that one. At least it was my right, I need my left.

I was willing to leave it at that, but Kakuzu had other plans. He chased me around trying to beat me with my own fucking arm!

So I ran away.

Yeah, I know it was a slightly cowardly thing to do, and it's also against my religion to run away from a fight. Lets see you take on a bat-shit insane bounty hunter trying to beat you with your own severed limb.

I ran out into the main area of headquarters right past Konan, who was reading the paper. I think I might have splattered her with a little blood on the way past her. She didn't seem to like that much.

Then I ran into the kitchen, where Kisame and Itachi were trying (and from the smell of things, failing miserably) to cook breakfast. I didn't expect to see them there, and the floor was a little slippery, so I crashed right into them.

I didn't mean to do it, but from the glare Itachi gave me you would think I killed his puppy, deep-fried it and served it to him on a fucking stick! That guy seriously needs to get laid or something. It probably didn't help matters much when I laughed my ass off at him, but I seriously couldn't help it. He was splattered from head to toe in what I think was pancake batter.

Fortunately, I was spared the fate of having my ass set on fire by an angry pancake batter-coated teen.

Unfortunately, this was because Kakuzu had finally caught up with me.

He resumed his previous activity: using my arm in an attempt to beat the ever living shit out of me.

Itachi kept glaring at me, and apparently he has no fucking clue how much pancake batter diminishes the effectiveness of glaring someone to death (yes he really could if he wanted to, but I don't think he cared enough to really put that much effort into it).

Meanwhile, Kisame was busily truing to keep whatever monstrosity of a food that they had created from escaping the pan and killing us all. Or maybe he was just trying to ignore all the crazy shit going on behind him. I'm not sure which.

And then just a I thought that this shit fest of a day couldn't get any worse, Leader came in. I'm sure that little bitch Konan told him about this, she's such a tattle-tail. He ordered us all to stop what we were doing and come into his office.

Long story short: We told him what the hell happened, he yelled at us and then, he added a few new rules to the ones we already have.

And here they are:

Hidan is no longer required to wear a shirt. (This one I'm really happy about, I don't like shirts. I would go naked if I could.)

Kakuzu must reattach any limbs that he cuts/tears off or otherwise removes from his partners body, regardless of the reason for removal. (This I also like.)

Itachi and Kisame are no longer allowed to use the stove without supervision from some one who knows how to cook properly. (It's for their own safety as much as for everyone else.)

Okay I've had enough crazy shit for one day, and enough writing in this cheap ass journal to last me for a week. I have better things to be doing, like annoying Kakuzu.

Besides, nobody would want to read this crap anyway.

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I think I just went straight into crackfic territory with this.

Sorry about the swearing, but it's Hidan. From what I have seen in the manga he doesn't really swear, he's just really, really rude, but it's become common in fanfics for him to drop the F-bomb like it's a punctuation mark. So I went with something like that.

Thank you for reading.

Please review.


	5. Bad Roommates

Well we're back to Madara again. I hope I can keep this funny and interesting, it can be hard to come up with new ideas sometimes. I'm still new at writing fanfics and this is the first time I have had a story go on this long.

Thank you to everyone who left a review, it means a lot when someone takes the time to do that.

Insert witty disclaimer here.

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Dear Diary,

Things have, with a few irritating exceptions that I will address shortly, been quiet lately. Mostly because Pain has been sending everyone out on missions almost constantly ever since what has come to be known as the "Pancake-Batter Incident".

I think he has started to realize that it may have been a bad idea to have all of us working out of the same small base. The members of Akatsuki may have many special quality's and skills that make them effective and highly skilled members of our team.

Unfortunately the ability to be good roommates is _not _one of those skills.

Neither is sharing, or getting along with others, waiting your turn, or any of the other social skills one is supposed to learn sometime during early childhood. Yet again making me wonder just how far the academy's standards must have fallen.

Due to the fact that it seems like no one taught them those crucial social skills, Pain has had to mediate a few arguments and more than a few fights. Most of the fights are ended by Pain threatening to kill one or both party's and using them as spare bodies. Usually that works to end all but the worst of arguments.

Makes me glad that I'm not the one acting as "Leader". I can just sit in the corner with a box of crayons and pretend nothing is going on.

Not that all of them fight, in fact some get along fairly well. For example, Kisame and Itachi get along just fine, and have not had a serious argument even once since they were partnered together.

However, I suspect that is only because Itachi is totally indifferent to everything that doesn't get in the way of his own goals, and Kisame is a rather polite Shark-Man who doesn't want to have his brain fried by genjustu. Oh well, at least they're quiet, unlike _some_ people that I could name.

Hidan and Kakuzu attempt to murder each other on an almost daily basis. This is _never_ a quiet activity, when they get started the whole base gets to hear it.

I hope that they don't act like this when their out working. If they did nothing would ever get done.

Sasori and Deidara have settled in to being partners very well for the most part. But if I have to endure one more conversation who's art is better art I just might kill my self.

Others may die also, but I'll figure out that part later.

Zetsu gets into arguments with him self and plays with his food. I'm sad to say that he's one of the only people I actually _like _around here.

But all of that is nothing, I tell you, _Nothing_ compared to the activity of the "Leader" and his "Second in command".

Pain and Konan are...Uh...Well...

Okay, let me explain it this way. Sooner or later some ninja find an unconventional and usually naughty use for one of their special jutsu. I remember the time I caught Izuna playing with his Shadow Clones, but that's beside the point.

Think about it for a moment. There are six of him, one of her and a rather large bed in their private quarters that happen to have rather thin walls. I think that is all I really need to say.

Not that I am bothered by the Akatsuki members having some sort recreational activity to relieve stress. Deidara does things with his hand-mouths, Hidan gets off on stabbing himself and you don't even want to know what Zetsu gets into out in his greenhouse. We all have our little kinks.

But do I have to hear those little kinks Every Single Night?

The others aren't so bad, but I have to wonder just when Pain and Konan get any sleep, because I know it's not at night. One day last week they were going at it until _three thirty in the morning_. I'm shocked that the head board on their bed is still intact after all that thumping against the wall it endures on a nightly basis, and as if that's not bad enough Konan screams a lot. Not just once or twice when things are getting good but_ the whole time_.

I can't take this any more! If I don't get some fucking sleep then Tobi is going to be a _very bad_ boy.

Whoa, I don't normally lose my temper like that. It must be because I'm so tired.

And it's not just me that's being effected by this. Itachi fell asleep during our last meeting. Unfortunately for him, his room is right next to theirs. Last I heard he is now sleeping on the floor in Kisame's room, which I suppose is a step up from when I found him sleeping in a broom closet on the second floor the other day.

I need to have a word with Pain about this later. In the meantime I'm buying myself a set of ear plugs, telling Itachi to move his mattress down the hall and finding out for myself how comfortable and soundproof that broom closet really is.

* * *

Sorry that it's so short. Now that I have finals over with I may have time to write more (I hope). I'm working on a longer chapter with Madara finally looking at what the others have written in their diary's.

Thanks for reading. It would be really nice if you left a review.


	6. Negotiating and takeing a peek

Hello again.

One thing I've noticed while reading the manga is that Madara likes to tell a story , even if the people around him aren't interested in hearing it. I've tried to incorporate this tendency into the fic, let me know if it works.

* * *

Dear Diary,

I confronted Pain about how he and Konan have been keeping everyone awake and tried to work something out that doesn't involve any accidents due to sleep deprivation. I'm not happy with the arrangement we worked out, but it will have to do.

After many hours of negotiating, black mail and a tiny bit of begging I made a deal with them: Their "activity's" have a strict 1:00 A.M. cut off time, and as long as they follow that rule I won't post certain embarrassing pictures that Zetsu helped me procure all over the Rain Village.

I find it useful to have black mail information on everyone around me, just in case. You may call it paranoid and underhanded, but I call it a sensible precaution.

I miss the good old days when I worked with people who obeyed me with out question. I didn't have to take any lip from wannabe gods with to many facial piercings or their paper girlfriends. Now all I have is this bunch of idiots we put in cloaks and called an organization.

However, as irritating as this whole adventure was, it wasn't a total loss. I found some thing interesting that gave me an idea.

You see, it started when I was moving into the closet that is to be my new home. As it turns out it contained much more that just cleaning supplies, as I initially assumed. I found out that it was actually more of a storage room, and it also contained extra weapons and spare cloaks. This didn't really matter to me and it still doesn't really, but it leads to the important part of my tale.

As I was unpacking and settling in there was a knock on the door.

Well not really a knock, but some one hitting the door once and then yelling, "Open the fucking door before I break it down Swirl-Face."

Three guesses who it was and the first two don't count.

I opened the door because I had no wish to fix that on top of everything else I had to do to make that dank little hole in the wall livable.

"Oh hi Hidan! Do you need anything?" I asked in my best clueless moron impression. (It's become worryingly easy to do that lately.)

It was fairly obvious what he was there for. Several of his limbs looked freshly reattached and his cloak was a tattered bloody mess.

"Seriously? What the fuck do you think I'm here for dumb-ass? Tea and cookies? I need a new cloak because that fucking bastard Kakuzu ruined mine!" He yelled.

"Well." I replied in an irritatingly helpful and polite tone. "Tobi could help you find a new one."

"You know what else Tobi could do?"

"What?" I asked, knowing full well where this was going.

"Tobi could get his ass the hell out of my way and let me get my fucking cloak before I rip off his fucking mask and jam it up his ass sideways." He said.

I didn't find that particularly threatening, but I stepped out of his way to let that ever so charming Jashinist in anyway. He pushed past me and dumped his ruined cloak on the floor. The slob.

"Maybe you should take your cloak off **before** you make Kakuzu angry." I suggested in that same maddeningly helpful and polite tone of voice.

"Maybe you should shut the fuck up **before** you make **me** angry." He replied.

A few minutes and a lot of cursing later he had a new cloak and was out of my way. Thank Jashin.

As amusing as my tale may be it's not the important part.

The important part is what he left behind.

I checked in his cloak pockets and found his diary. I was going to return it, but then I remembered I don't like him.

So I took a quick peek inside.

I must say I was surprised, I expected much more profanity. He must have toned it down, or just been to lazy to write all of it that he would normally use when speaking.

Now I have a few more details on "Pancake-Batter Incident" that I didn't have before. Pain must have skipped a few parts when he described it to me.

For example, I didn't know that the fight started over a ruined shirt. Not that I'm surprised really. The two of them will fight over just about anything.

Now lets see what else he has. I will copy down the interesting parts along with my reactions.

_Dear Dumb-ass Diary,_

He really likes to get creative with the opening, doesn't he?

_I'm so fucking tired of these assholes I work with._

That makes two of us.

_No one wants to hear about Jashin. _

Well yeah. Maybe if you weren't such a dick we would listen a little more.

_I mean seriously, how am I supposed to save those heathen bastards from eternal damnation if they won't take five fucking minutes to listen?_

You could start by being a little less preachy about it...Oh wait.

_In situations like this I ask myself: What the fuck would Jashin do?_

_The answer is simple: Kill them all Hidan, I'll deal with them._

Is it wrong that I find this absolutely hilarious?

I remember back when the Church of Jashin was just one crazy guy trying to convince others that he had a good idea. And really he did, killing people is fun. Why not do it in the name of an evil god? I even considered joining at one time, but didn't for a few reasons:

1) I'm not into unnecessary self mutilation (necessary is fine).

2) I don't like authority figures (unless I'm the authority figure in question).

3) Their worship services are really messy (if you ever go you should bring a poncho or something).

When asked about my religious beliefs I like to say that I'm a lapsed Atheist and a Born-Again Heretic. I really enjoy giving pushy people a confusing answer to personal questions a little too much.

But enough about me, back to Hidan.

_Killing them all is definitely an awesome idea. Sadly, I don't think I can take out all of the godless bitches at once so it may have to wait._

He goes on like this for a while. I'll skip the boring parts.

_Dear Diary,_

Wait, what?

_You and anyone who reads you can go rot in the deepest parts of hell. I don't care enough to come up with something insulting at the start of every fucking entry. _

_Anyone who doesn't like it can fuck off. Anyone who does can also fuck off. I really don't give a shit._

That's more like it.

_Since I don't want to do this fucking diary shit any more I won't. Leader threatened us all with horrible punishments for refusing to play along with his bull shit diary thing. But I don't care. Anyone who has spent any time with me knows I'm too fucking kinky to torture. _

_Do your worst Leader: it sounds like a good time._

Little does he know that Konan is in charge of punishments around here. She favors making you do chores or finds something that is highly humiliating for you to do.

_I figure that leaving it in the pocket of a cloak I "accidentally" destroyed and threw away will be enough to get rid of the damn thing._

You guessed wrong.

_Well I guess I should find Kakuzu and piss him off. It doesn't take much for the asshole to stab me or something so I can ruin my fucking cloak. And if __**he**_ _does it the little son of a bitch can't freak out about the cost._

Actually I think he can. Little things like facts never stop people form getting angry.

_Well it's been fun (not really). See you in hell diary._

That's where it ends. Not much going on in his mind is there?

I think it's time for me to put down my diary for a while too. After all, Tobi needs to return something to it's rightful owner.

* * *

So what do you think? Love it? Hate it? Should I do more chapters this way?

I'm also taking requests if there is anything you might like to see.

Please let me know. It's always nice to get a review.


	7. Invading the privacy of others is fun

Hi, I'm back now. Sorry it took so long to update, I had planned to get a few chapters done during the summer, but my computer broke and a bunch of other things got in the way. Now it's fall and I'm was behind on a lot of things, not just writing. Lame excuse, but still, that's how it turned out.

It seems like some people want to see what Pain and Konan have to say about life in Akatsuki, and I'm more than willing to look into that. Pain is up first, as I'm not sure what to do about Konan yet.

Apparently people liked Hidan's entries; I may need to give him more in the future. It could be a while on that, Hidan is hard to do. I don't swear much and when I do it's not usually very creative.

As always thanks for the reviews.

Insert witty disclaimer about how I own absolutely nothing here.

* * *

Ch. 7: Invading the privacy of others is fun.

Dear Diary,

After exploring the deepest inner workings of Hidan's mind (and having found out that there isn't much going on in there) I have decided to take a look at what everyone else has written in their journals.

I expect to be disappointed; none of them seem very bright.

It was surprisingly easy, but I found Pain's journal this morning. He just left it lying around on his bedside table. I guess he and Konan were too busy having wild-screaming-monkey-headboard-breaking-sex to put it away properly.

Oh dear god, I can't believe I just wrote that. Everyone's stupidity and immaturity must be starting to rub off on me. Excuse me while I go bang my head against the wall for a moment.

I know what will cheer me up, reading Pain's diary.

Let's see what we've got here.

_Journal,_

_As we commence with our grand plans I find myself to be in the most excellent of moods._

What, really?

_Before long we will start to seek out the Tailed Beasts that we need if our design is to be successful._

It had better be, otherwise I went through all this nonsense for nothing.

_I have some doubts however. All of the organization, except for Konan and myself, are motivated by monetary gain or other impure motives such as love of combat or desire for recognition._

Well isn't that a surprise, I thought that would be what one would expect when one hires a bunch of **Mercenaries**.

_I find their lack of faith in our cause to be...disturbing._

You want faith. Go talk to Hidan.

If Pain could convince Hidan that he is Jashin, then at the very least Pain could get twice the work, and half the complaining out of Hidan.

Unfortunately, while rather dumb Hidan isn't quiet that stupid. And worse yet Pain isn't that smart.

Not that I mind really, it just makes things that much easier for me.

I think I've had enough of Pain for one day. It looks like he ate a thesaurus and threw up all over the page.

Another minor but still annoying quirk of his is that his hand writing keeps changing. I'm pretty sure that this is because his bodies keep taking turns writing. Is it so hard for him to just pick one hand and stick with it?

Enough of Pain, I want to see what Konan has to say.

It shouldn't take long to find her diary. I'll be back soon.

Four hours later.

That wasn't too hard. It took longer than I thought it would, but it was still laughably easy. You would think that someone who wanted her diary hidden would make more of an effort to _hide it_.

All I had to do was locate the secret panel in the wall, slip past the maze of trip wires and paper bombs in the hall and pick the tiny lock on the side of the diary. She may as well have just handed it to me. This was just much too easy.

After collecting the diary I slipped back to my closet/bedroom/lair to do a little reading.

I wonder what this will contain. Deep dark secrets? A pressed flower collection? Little drawings of hearts and unicorns?

Sadly no.

I just don't see Konan as a hearts and unicorns kind of girl. But then I didn't think that excessive amounts of body piercings were a turn on for either, until of course I was subjected to the nightly scream-fest.

Now let's see whets inside.

...

**THAT BITCH! **That irritating, shockingly clever bitch.

I suppose a little explaining is in order.

I opened the diary, my fingers nearly shaking with anticipation at exploring my latest discovery. I was almost giddy with anticipation.

For a moment I paused, savoring my triumph.

Sadly the moment was not to last.

The moment I opened the diary all the pages flew out like a horde of angry moths and attacked me! Yes really, I couldn't make this up if I tried.

I must admit that I was slightly surprised by all this. However, despite her best efforts I was unharmed. Such a simple trap is not nearly enough to hurt one such as I.

It did however, really piss me off. The final icing on the humiliation cake was that words "Nice try you moron" neatly written on each page.

She wins this round, but mark my words. This is not over.

Alas, that must wait for another day. Now it is time to slip on my mask and go eat dinner.

Tonight I'll see how annoying I can be before someone snaps and tries to put something sharp through my eye hole.

I hope its Konan.

Later.

It was Hidan, but I don't care it was still funny.

* * *

Thanks for reading. Sorry it took so long to get done.

As always a review would be great.


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